My experience of embracing the underground
House of Tantra · 27 October 2023
I didn’t know that I would be taking part in the workshop, however I could feel it.
It took me a long time to make the decision, despite the desire appearing a few months before the workshop. It all came to a resolution when, while walking my dog, I accidentally hit my eye with a branch of a tree and ended up in the ICU. While waiting for my turn with intense pain in my left eye, I was forced to sit with my eyes closed, my attention turning inward. And then I felt it…
I felt all the fear, resistance, stories and reluctance that were hidden somewhere in the subconscious. It allowed me to see a deeper truth beyond the stories that the retreat wasn’t for me, that it wasn’t my way, that I had more important things to do, and a whole host of other practical reasons not to participate. And in truth, it was fear. And from that place I felt an inner yes to participate. I conducted the appropriate operations at the bank, sent the money required for the workshop, and a few seconds later I heard my name called by the doctor.
Throughout the week before the workshop I felt a lot of cold, freezing in my body, fear and anxieties about what I would have to face soon were clearly manifesting in my body, coming to the surface.
And then the underground opened its gates.
An unusual journey. Going to the workshop, I didn’t know what to expect, I had few expectations and some ideas. I was no stranger to shadow work, and I always found it easy to open myself up to exploring those ugly parts of myself. After the workshop, comparing to this, the previous shadowwork seemed insignificant, small in a sense. It was a very deep descent into the depths of my being, exploring together with 20 other daredevils what was very hidden, pushed away, rejected and unwanted. What has never been given space and opportunity to be noticed, embraced, loved.
And although the workshop had yet to begin, I already felt that I was in the process. Once I arrived at the place, I didn’t feel like I was entering into another space – energetically I was already there and the gates to the underground had already opened.
An 8-day journey that is difficult to describe in words, because there was very little intellectualization and head space, and a lot of feeling and embodying everything that wanted to and could be revealed, healed, transformed.
As for the workshop itself, it was very structured, which gave me a great sense of security and a certain predictability in all the chaos and unpredictability of the experiences. Each day we went deeper, layer by layer, with the tools we were given. Meditations, Tibetan practices, dancing, sharing with other participants at meals and in designated spaces, exercises that provoked our underground parts to come out more and more – all this gradually prepared us for the most important part – massage sessions that were aimed at bringing out the underground into the light and then transformation and healing.
In the sessions, we mainly dealt with two types of underworld – dark masculinity and dark femininity, which in turn can be divided into main archetypes, e.g. in the case of masculinity it was the rapist and “conan the destroyer” – but there was no rule here, as each person embodied individually the type of underground that was alive in them, that needed and wanted to be seen, expressed, shown the most. What was surprising to me was that even though I have a masculine body, it was the feminine underground that was the most active and pronounced – and transforming these parts was the most intense and immensely valuable experience for me.
I thought that the experience of the underworld would end when I left the sessions and then only light awaits me. I didn’t expect it to have such an impact on everyday life. Already during the retreat, I started to notice how our underground parts interact with each other, play with each other, feed on each other, play various cunning games and manipulations.
I immediately remembered situations from my life in relationships with other beings, where I saw something not entirely pure happening, but I was unable to wrap my mind around it, convincing myself that it was not my responsibility – that it was the other person’s responsibility to do something about it, make a change. At the same time, deep inside, I felt that a danse macabre was taking place in the shadows.
After the retreat, I saw that in all of this, my dark feminine side was there, which enjoyed playing and feeding on such situations; I was able to forgive myself, apologize to the beings with whom I had entered into such an exchange, and forgive all other beings who had manipulated or exploited me in one form or another in this lifetime, knowing that this was not done from a place of awareness and that it was not about me – that, indeed, these wronged, underground parts demand love and attention, and that they try to feed themselves in the only way known to them. I felt a sense of acceptance that this may take place beyond our awareness – in the situation where it is not made conscious, integrated.
I started to feel more lightness in communicating and exchanging with others, especially when these dark parts interact with each other.
I think, therefore, that the power and awareness that comes with integrating the underground parts of our beings is extremely remarkable and necessary to function in this world without being devoured or devouring others.
Unfortunately, it often happens in life that our unconscious parts like to interact with each other, both our injured parts and the underground ones. This often has a devastating impact on relationships, our exchanges, behavior and life.
After experiencing this retreat, I am able to recognize with much greater awareness when these parts begin to manifest and in what way, giving me the choice and decision to either allow the destructive tendencies to prevail or, with the newfound strength and awareness of these parts, choose what serves the healthy, kind and loving way. This changes human interactions incredibly, giving us the ability to maneuver in these denser, darker spaces, recognizing when they are communicating and why – we can then go into exploration to get to know each other better, communicate appropriately to the boss, so that a difficult situation at work leads to mutual benefit, alleviate many conflicting situations.
An interesting observation is that these parts talk with each other, whether we have done the work or not. For example, when I focused my attention on a certain being that was quite far away from me, I first felt a vomiting reflex, and when I started to share what was going on inside me with my companion – the story related to the underground came up immediately – as a result, the body that I was putting my attention on immediately started movements typical for the underground parts, which shows how much they are on the surface and how easily they manifest themselves, especially when they are under the light of consciousness; then, my feeling turned into a feeling of understanding, acceptance and compassion for this being.
Paradoxically, the world became more light and loving, even though I began to see more and more underground parts in everyday life. And going back to my visit to the ICU – the workshop was for me an Immeasurable Caressing of Underground – embracing what was, for one reason or another, hated, spoiled, rejected, hurt.